by Matthew Hall

Dearly beloved,

With a heading like that, both my readership might be expecting an advert for our cracking private law department, and the help they can give if it all goes wrong. But no, this is about when I recently went to a wedding. I will call the bride and groom Lucy and Chris, possibly because those are their names. They had decided on their own vows, here’s a selection:


I promise to only to steal your socks when absolutely necessary.

I promise to be your eyes when you can’t read the menu at Costa.

I promise to point out good dogs to you.

I promise to make you giggle during important phone calls, and to be responsible for giving you laughter lines in your old age.

I promise not to throw the ring into the fires of Mount Doom when we go to New Zealand.


I promise never to gel my hair again.

I promise to laugh at all your jokes, even when no-one else fully understands them.

And if you’re ever blue, I’ll invent a special dance just for you.

I promise that we will one day achieve our lifelong goal of merging into one immortal superhuman.

I promise to make your dreams into one, and stop at nothing to achieve them.

It seemed to me that these meant more than a “flat pack” set of vows, and as Lucy and Chris are planning to go on crazy wheelchair adventures when they are a hundred years old, I’m not going to be able to make a referral to our cracking private law department any time soon!